Tuesday, January 19
Sunday, January 3
Saturday, January 2
All that I Know
Going up to retreat and coming down from it, both ways I knew or know nothing.
From here to the mountain I thought I knew freedom. I lived everyday like I wanted. I did homework whenever I felt like it. I lied to my mom about finishing my homework or about where or who I went out with. I wanted to try drinking and go clubbing because those are the things that would probably define "fun" later. And I thought this was freedom. I knew nothing.
At retreat, I knew nothing as I came before the cross. Did I, who loves this world more than God, deserve to be kneeling here? Did I, who praised the world in norebang more than in the sanctuary, deserve to lift my arms in praise? And in the slightest chance I really am able to do these things, where do I start anew? Where is the start point? In life, it's not as clearly labeled like it is on Monopoly or given to you like in a video game. Do I start reading from Genesis and read straight through until Revelation or should I start from Matthew and go in a full circle? If my heart is not fired for God, can I still jump around and shout His praise? How am I supposed to bring our church into one body of Christ when I myself don't really have close friends at church? Who am I? I don't know.
And here in front of my computer, finished with retreat, I still know nothing. If someone were to ask me something about God, would I know what to say? If my Christian identity was suddenly put on the line, would I deny Christ or claim His blood? If my dear friends I love so much would suddenly leave me behind because I have taken up the cross, would I follow them or Jesus? Have I really, truly accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior? Am I really going to Heaven or am I just fooling myself when I'm really bound to Hell? I don't know.
All I know is I want to live again. I've had thoughts of suicide: "My mom would be happy without me. That way she won't have to pay for my college or deal with any stress about me not fulfilling my responsibilities. Even if she feels sad about my death, she'll get over it and move on like everyone else does." Some might have called that really emo or dramatizing the issue but I don't expect anyone to really understand. All I know is I want to live.
On New Year's Eve, I watched a performance by the junior highers. They did a body worship to the song Above All and the lyrics stuck to me for the first time.
Jesus, who is really above all things, was born into this world to die for it, while we, the sinners who foolishly not only destroy the world we live in but also break His heart hundred times fold, are born to live. Not only that, while He was alive he was rejected and alone. Then how much more are we meant to live?
When I first heard Above All, I thought it was saying Jesus is truly above all treasures, kingdoms and wonders but when I watched the junior higher's performance, I felt the song was saying that as He was crucified, He thought of me above all things. I don't even know if that's the right interpretation I'm supposed to get, but I'll take it like that for now.
And so right now I live. If that was the right choice, I'll probably never know. But to choose death feels like the deceit of the enemy and is most definitely the wrong choice. So I decide to live and maybe, just maybe, along the way I'll answer some if not all of the questions but even then I'll trust in His words and promises and let them guide me. If this is the right place to start, who knows? But as the Lord promised two things:
(1) In his heart a man plans his course but the Lord directs his steps. - Provers 16:9
(2) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 19:11-13
And I surrender all to You, all to You. Who knew giving up all I had, the world that I thought I loved, would make me this happy?
From here to the mountain I thought I knew freedom. I lived everyday like I wanted. I did homework whenever I felt like it. I lied to my mom about finishing my homework or about where or who I went out with. I wanted to try drinking and go clubbing because those are the things that would probably define "fun" later. And I thought this was freedom. I knew nothing.
At retreat, I knew nothing as I came before the cross. Did I, who loves this world more than God, deserve to be kneeling here? Did I, who praised the world in norebang more than in the sanctuary, deserve to lift my arms in praise? And in the slightest chance I really am able to do these things, where do I start anew? Where is the start point? In life, it's not as clearly labeled like it is on Monopoly or given to you like in a video game. Do I start reading from Genesis and read straight through until Revelation or should I start from Matthew and go in a full circle? If my heart is not fired for God, can I still jump around and shout His praise? How am I supposed to bring our church into one body of Christ when I myself don't really have close friends at church? Who am I? I don't know.
And here in front of my computer, finished with retreat, I still know nothing. If someone were to ask me something about God, would I know what to say? If my Christian identity was suddenly put on the line, would I deny Christ or claim His blood? If my dear friends I love so much would suddenly leave me behind because I have taken up the cross, would I follow them or Jesus? Have I really, truly accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior? Am I really going to Heaven or am I just fooling myself when I'm really bound to Hell? I don't know.
All I know is I want to live again. I've had thoughts of suicide: "My mom would be happy without me. That way she won't have to pay for my college or deal with any stress about me not fulfilling my responsibilities. Even if she feels sad about my death, she'll get over it and move on like everyone else does." Some might have called that really emo or dramatizing the issue but I don't expect anyone to really understand. All I know is I want to live.
On New Year's Eve, I watched a performance by the junior highers. They did a body worship to the song Above All and the lyrics stuck to me for the first time.
You lived to die, rejected and alone.
Jesus, who is really above all things, was born into this world to die for it, while we, the sinners who foolishly not only destroy the world we live in but also break His heart hundred times fold, are born to live. Not only that, while He was alive he was rejected and alone. Then how much more are we meant to live?
When I first heard Above All, I thought it was saying Jesus is truly above all treasures, kingdoms and wonders but when I watched the junior higher's performance, I felt the song was saying that as He was crucified, He thought of me above all things. I don't even know if that's the right interpretation I'm supposed to get, but I'll take it like that for now.
And so right now I live. If that was the right choice, I'll probably never know. But to choose death feels like the deceit of the enemy and is most definitely the wrong choice. So I decide to live and maybe, just maybe, along the way I'll answer some if not all of the questions but even then I'll trust in His words and promises and let them guide me. If this is the right place to start, who knows? But as the Lord promised two things:
(1) In his heart a man plans his course but the Lord directs his steps. - Provers 16:9
(2) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 19:11-13
And I surrender all to You, all to You. Who knew giving up all I had, the world that I thought I loved, would make me this happy?
Saturday, December 26
Thursday, December 24
Transformed
Transformed? No. Beginning to be transformed? Yes. Transformed is past tense and I have not changed 360 degrees but I have begun to transform. It's a process, a long process with lots of battles. Thus begins the transformation. Jesus, keep me humble.
Winter Retreat '09
Wednesday, December 9
The Difference Between Hoshi and my Mom
They want to help us get in to college. What a joke.
When we go sit in the counselor's office on our own initiative, we just get the basic, "You can do it." Or the Ivy League schools aren't the only schools. Students might be caught up with the "elite thinking" but counselors are caught up in "students can't do it, so why try." We already know our options are open but we still want to shoot up there and you aren't helping us. Giving us the overrated, "Do what you love" and the "Trust us, we know what we're doing," doesn't help. What a joke. Oxford Academy's name is no where near worth the grades. Outsiders think students at Oxford get straight A's. Not many outsiders know Oxford is best at fucking up transcripts.
And does Oxford help? What a joke. Technically, Oxford is a college preparatory high school, not a guarantee-good-college high school, but I'd rather go to Kennedy High School and get into a good college and learn from there instead of getting bad grades at a "preparatory" high school and "knowing" what it's like in college. Because in the end, everyone gets used to college whether they were ready in high school or not. Sure it's good to prepare for the future but not to the point where you forget to fully enjoy a normal high school life. But what does Hoshi care? He's cares about your pink tank-top, not you.
Those that maybe care a little tell you, "Oh yes, you can totally go to college with your grades. If you get an 1700 on your SAT and straight B's, you could probably get into a lot of your college choices." And they mean every word. Then you go to your mom and she says, "What the hell is this: 1800 SAT 3A's and 3B's? I'm going to kick you out of the house if you end up in community college." And she also means every word.
Everyone knows college doesn't necessarily guarantee a good career, much less a bright future. Sure, the I-graduated-from-Harvard-law-school sticker you get to wear on your forehead looks great when you meet up with your old friends from elementary or high school but junior college alumni can get a stable and lovable job, too. The school staff tells you that all the time but who fucking cares? Certainly not me or my mom.
When we go sit in the counselor's office on our own initiative, we just get the basic, "You can do it." Or the Ivy League schools aren't the only schools. Students might be caught up with the "elite thinking" but counselors are caught up in "students can't do it, so why try." We already know our options are open but we still want to shoot up there and you aren't helping us. Giving us the overrated, "Do what you love" and the "Trust us, we know what we're doing," doesn't help. What a joke. Oxford Academy's name is no where near worth the grades. Outsiders think students at Oxford get straight A's. Not many outsiders know Oxford is best at fucking up transcripts.
And does Oxford help? What a joke. Technically, Oxford is a college preparatory high school, not a guarantee-good-college high school, but I'd rather go to Kennedy High School and get into a good college and learn from there instead of getting bad grades at a "preparatory" high school and "knowing" what it's like in college. Because in the end, everyone gets used to college whether they were ready in high school or not. Sure it's good to prepare for the future but not to the point where you forget to fully enjoy a normal high school life. But what does Hoshi care? He's cares about your pink tank-top, not you.
Those that maybe care a little tell you, "Oh yes, you can totally go to college with your grades. If you get an 1700 on your SAT and straight B's, you could probably get into a lot of your college choices." And they mean every word. Then you go to your mom and she says, "What the hell is this: 1800 SAT 3A's and 3B's? I'm going to kick you out of the house if you end up in community college." And she also means every word.
Everyone knows college doesn't necessarily guarantee a good career, much less a bright future. Sure, the I-graduated-from-Harvard-law-school sticker you get to wear on your forehead looks great when you meet up with your old friends from elementary or high school but junior college alumni can get a stable and lovable job, too. The school staff tells you that all the time but who fucking cares? Certainly not me or my mom.
"2400 SATs, I'm taking all AP's; 2390 SAT, take me off the family tree."
He who opens a school door, closes a prison. - Victor Hugo
God made the Idiot for practice and then He made the School Board. - Mark Twain
He who opens a school door, closes a prison. - Victor Hugo
God made the Idiot for practice and then He made the School Board. - Mark Twain
Monday, December 7
Disneyland
Being unable to say what I need to say, being unable to tell someone my frustrations and being unable to express my gratefulness and sincerity is such a pain in the ass.
Disneyland is not really the happiest place on earth when it's raining. Home is. Not the house but home. Disneyland was fun though. Cindy and I took like a bizillion pictures of just ourselves. We went on Space Mountain three times again and finished the entire park by 4:30PM. We got to ride all the rides we wanted to even though it was raining. We got to eat whatever we wanted to and move as we wanted to. I wish I was rich. It's one thing to buy a ticket into Disneyland and another to pay for the fun. A good meal for one person costs around $15 to $20. If you stay there all day, you have to eat lunch and dinner. Then the souvenirs are ridiculously overpriced. A nice plushie-turning-into-pillow Eeyore I wanted was $23. I also wanted a few key chains that would have added up to $15. It's like paying $150 to have full happiness at Disneyland (ticket + food + souvenirs). Gosh. I still love Disneyland though. Disneyland has that "magic" other amusement parks certainly don't have. They just rip their tourists off like all the other theme parks. I felt bad for the first timers at Disneyland. They were probably tourists but they had to pick a rainy day to come. The parade was like a last minute mush together. It only consisted of three cars. So lame. Totally does not live up to the hype of Disney's parades and they didn't get to watch fire works either. I would be a very disappointed first timer.
Disneyland is not really the happiest place on earth when it's raining. Home is. Not the house but home. Disneyland was fun though. Cindy and I took like a bizillion pictures of just ourselves. We went on Space Mountain three times again and finished the entire park by 4:30PM. We got to ride all the rides we wanted to even though it was raining. We got to eat whatever we wanted to and move as we wanted to. I wish I was rich. It's one thing to buy a ticket into Disneyland and another to pay for the fun. A good meal for one person costs around $15 to $20. If you stay there all day, you have to eat lunch and dinner. Then the souvenirs are ridiculously overpriced. A nice plushie-turning-into-pillow Eeyore I wanted was $23. I also wanted a few key chains that would have added up to $15. It's like paying $150 to have full happiness at Disneyland (ticket + food + souvenirs). Gosh. I still love Disneyland though. Disneyland has that "magic" other amusement parks certainly don't have. They just rip their tourists off like all the other theme parks. I felt bad for the first timers at Disneyland. They were probably tourists but they had to pick a rainy day to come. The parade was like a last minute mush together. It only consisted of three cars. So lame. Totally does not live up to the hype of Disney's parades and they didn't get to watch fire works either. I would be a very disappointed first timer.
Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.
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