From here to the mountain I thought I knew freedom. I lived everyday like I wanted. I did homework whenever I felt like it. I lied to my mom about finishing my homework or about where or who I went out with. I wanted to try drinking and go clubbing because those are the things that would probably define "fun" later. And I thought this was freedom. I knew nothing.
At retreat, I knew nothing as I came before the cross. Did I, who loves this world more than God, deserve to be kneeling here? Did I, who praised the world in norebang more than in the sanctuary, deserve to lift my arms in praise? And in the slightest chance I really am able to do these things, where do I start anew? Where is the start point? In life, it's not as clearly labeled like it is on Monopoly or given to you like in a video game. Do I start reading from Genesis and read straight through until Revelation or should I start from Matthew and go in a full circle? If my heart is not fired for God, can I still jump around and shout His praise? How am I supposed to bring our church into one body of Christ when I myself don't really have close friends at church? Who am I? I don't know.
And here in front of my computer, finished with retreat, I still know nothing. If someone were to ask me something about God, would I know what to say? If my Christian identity was suddenly put on the line, would I deny Christ or claim His blood? If my dear friends I love so much would suddenly leave me behind because I have taken up the cross, would I follow them or Jesus? Have I really, truly accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior? Am I really going to Heaven or am I just fooling myself when I'm really bound to Hell? I don't know.
All I know is I want to live again. I've had thoughts of suicide: "My mom would be happy without me. That way she won't have to pay for my college or deal with any stress about me not fulfilling my responsibilities. Even if she feels sad about my death, she'll get over it and move on like everyone else does." Some might have called that really emo or dramatizing the issue but I don't expect anyone to really understand. All I know is I want to live.
On New Year's Eve, I watched a performance by the junior highers. They did a body worship to the song Above All and the lyrics stuck to me for the first time.
You lived to die, rejected and alone.
Jesus, who is really above all things, was born into this world to die for it, while we, the sinners who foolishly not only destroy the world we live in but also break His heart hundred times fold, are born to live. Not only that, while He was alive he was rejected and alone. Then how much more are we meant to live?
When I first heard Above All, I thought it was saying Jesus is truly above all treasures, kingdoms and wonders but when I watched the junior higher's performance, I felt the song was saying that as He was crucified, He thought of me above all things. I don't even know if that's the right interpretation I'm supposed to get, but I'll take it like that for now.
And so right now I live. If that was the right choice, I'll probably never know. But to choose death feels like the deceit of the enemy and is most definitely the wrong choice. So I decide to live and maybe, just maybe, along the way I'll answer some if not all of the questions but even then I'll trust in His words and promises and let them guide me. If this is the right place to start, who knows? But as the Lord promised two things:
(1) In his heart a man plans his course but the Lord directs his steps. - Provers 16:9
(2) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 19:11-13
And I surrender all to You, all to You. Who knew giving up all I had, the world that I thought I loved, would make me this happy?
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