what the hell. aren't we friends? haven't we laughed together and have inside jokes? then why don't you lean on me? you keep saying you're alone. and when he screws up uyour days all you do is cry and tell everyone else to leave you alone. i know i'm not the most fun person to be around. i know i suck at picking the right words to say but am i that worthless to you? I want to be there for you but you just push me away. Fine. But if you look back don't ask me where I was. If you decide to look for me and find me, don't ask me where I was. Because I was trying to be everywhere you needed me. I was behind you to catch you when you fell; I was beside you to keep you company; I was infront of you to shield anything coming your way; I was above you trying to keep you dry on rainy days. Don't you dare ask where I was because I was with you. I'm sorry I couldn't always be there but I'm human. I can only be at one place at a time.
But where were you when I needed you? Where were you when I was crying? Where were you when I had a secret to tell? Where were you when I needed a shoulder to cry on? Where were you when I needed silence and a companion? Where in fcuking hell were you when I needed you? Hah, you were miles and miles away, running away from reality and leaving me behind, when I needed you the most. what a friend you are.
Saturday, February 28
phew.
woops. haven't been on for the last several days but that doesn't mean i forgot. We didn't even have that much homework during the week. I just got lazy. so overview?
THURSDAY
I asked Tim to Sadies. First time asking anyone to a dance. Haha, I was really nervous like crazy. not really because i thought he'd say no but i don't know just really really nervous/anxious. but after it was over I was quite happy/ecstatic. To ask him, I got him a panda doll (long story short: I owed him one because I lost a bet) and called him out during cluster. I showed him the panda and told him to make a new bet. If he said yes to my next question he gets the panda, if he says no I keep it. Then I asked him "Will you go to Sadies with me?" I ended up giving him the panda quite willingly. I was still on high till like the end of the day from the excitement. and then at night, i was so tired from all the anxiousness i suffered couple days before. I didn't do any homework and I might have fell asleep early (dont' really remember...) But I'm excited to go =] but couple things to decide:
1.) what to wear what to wear... stupid theme. I wish it was like an 70/80's theme or a nerd theme. that's cuter... why LOST? not fun. maybe fun for the SCC to decorate but not fun for us. o well.
2.) who to hang out with. I guess Tim and I can hang out by ourselves. We've actually gone to the mall with my sisters before and its wasn't bad. but i want to play with people. but he barely knows any of my friends. so should i go with juniors? but my good junior friend can't even go to Sadies. I don' t mind meeting new people...
I actually haven't discussed it with tim yet. too lazy to plan x__x
FRIDAY
red cross banquet. okay. tim is really good at taboo. that brown liquid behind me and vicky smelled NASTY (huh vicky?) left early.
then went with Cindy to YAC's Girls Night Out. we just ended up watching 13 Going on 30 which is a REALLY cute movie. haha. and that's about it. i got to eat a lot of chocolate though.
okay now bad news.
TODAY
I was supposed to go FBLA conference today and take a couple of tests (I even paid $20 to take it). But I overheard my dad saying something last night about going to the mountains. finds out that they were going around noon and not coming back until sunday. they were planning from the beginning to leave me and my sister because we have lots of hw and wouldn't like to go to the mountains anyway (unless its for skiing/snowboarding). so there goes the conference. i can get a ride there but i can't get a ride back. so i just went to orchestra with my cousin like a usual saturday would be. but i didn't want to go and my carpool wasn't going either so i thought i wasn't going at all. mom got mad and was talking about responsibilities and stuff. so i got ready got in the car and she goes on MORE aobut freakin life, school, responsibilities, etc. and what's worse, THERE'S NO WAY TO ESCAPE. i'm freakin in the car without my ipod. might as well roll down the window and jump out. gawwwd. but then when i got out of the car and said bye she said "bye have a nice day. i'll see you tomorrow." then i don't know why but i felt really really really effin really sad/worried/scared. you know, that feeling. and then i said okay bye and shut the door and she left. i turned around and i started crying. i don't remember the last time i cried. i didn't want my mom to see so i just kep walking but i felt like dropping and sobbing and turning around to tell my mom to be careful and come back safely. i just started worrying that for some reason something was going to happen to them.
so god, it might be a little late but please, please bring my family back safely. don't let them get lost or hurt in the mountains. please bring them back safely so we can laugh and fight again. so we can stay a family here and now. please god please.
THURSDAY
I asked Tim to Sadies. First time asking anyone to a dance. Haha, I was really nervous like crazy. not really because i thought he'd say no but i don't know just really really nervous/anxious. but after it was over I was quite happy/ecstatic. To ask him, I got him a panda doll (long story short: I owed him one because I lost a bet) and called him out during cluster. I showed him the panda and told him to make a new bet. If he said yes to my next question he gets the panda, if he says no I keep it. Then I asked him "Will you go to Sadies with me?" I ended up giving him the panda quite willingly. I was still on high till like the end of the day from the excitement. and then at night, i was so tired from all the anxiousness i suffered couple days before. I didn't do any homework and I might have fell asleep early (dont' really remember...) But I'm excited to go =] but couple things to decide:
1.) what to wear what to wear... stupid theme. I wish it was like an 70/80's theme or a nerd theme. that's cuter... why LOST? not fun. maybe fun for the SCC to decorate but not fun for us. o well.
2.) who to hang out with. I guess Tim and I can hang out by ourselves. We've actually gone to the mall with my sisters before and its wasn't bad. but i want to play with people. but he barely knows any of my friends. so should i go with juniors? but my good junior friend can't even go to Sadies. I don' t mind meeting new people...
I actually haven't discussed it with tim yet. too lazy to plan x__x
FRIDAY
red cross banquet. okay. tim is really good at taboo. that brown liquid behind me and vicky smelled NASTY (huh vicky?) left early.
then went with Cindy to YAC's Girls Night Out. we just ended up watching 13 Going on 30 which is a REALLY cute movie. haha. and that's about it. i got to eat a lot of chocolate though.
okay now bad news.
TODAY
I was supposed to go FBLA conference today and take a couple of tests (I even paid $20 to take it). But I overheard my dad saying something last night about going to the mountains. finds out that they were going around noon and not coming back until sunday. they were planning from the beginning to leave me and my sister because we have lots of hw and wouldn't like to go to the mountains anyway (unless its for skiing/snowboarding). so there goes the conference. i can get a ride there but i can't get a ride back. so i just went to orchestra with my cousin like a usual saturday would be. but i didn't want to go and my carpool wasn't going either so i thought i wasn't going at all. mom got mad and was talking about responsibilities and stuff. so i got ready got in the car and she goes on MORE aobut freakin life, school, responsibilities, etc. and what's worse, THERE'S NO WAY TO ESCAPE. i'm freakin in the car without my ipod. might as well roll down the window and jump out. gawwwd. but then when i got out of the car and said bye she said "bye have a nice day. i'll see you tomorrow." then i don't know why but i felt really really really effin really sad/worried/scared. you know, that feeling. and then i said okay bye and shut the door and she left. i turned around and i started crying. i don't remember the last time i cried. i didn't want my mom to see so i just kep walking but i felt like dropping and sobbing and turning around to tell my mom to be careful and come back safely. i just started worrying that for some reason something was going to happen to them.
so god, it might be a little late but please, please bring my family back safely. don't let them get lost or hurt in the mountains. please bring them back safely so we can laugh and fight again. so we can stay a family here and now. please god please.
Tuesday, February 24
trying again
It's been a while since I've done anything like a journal. Thought I might start. I usually end up disowning my diaries cuz I get lazy but we'll see about this one.
I have pretty good balance and don't usually fall (but trip a lot). Today, I woke up kinda late and I needed to take a shower. I just stood in the bathroom and wasted a good three minutes deciding if I should take a really quick one or not. Didn't feel like being dirty today so I took a fast one but I forgot to bring a towel in with me to dry myself off. So I got to the cabinet right out of the bathroom but I hear Tiffany start opening the door (I take her to school every morning and I leave the door slightly open so she doesn't have to ring the door bell and wake everybody in my house up). Crap. I was butt naked. So I grabbed my towel and ran into the bathroom but there was water on the floor. I slipped and fell on my back like what happens in the movies. I scrambled back up, hoping that didn't make too much noise. Hah, my mom came in half-asleep and asked if I was okay. Dang you Tiffany....
I have pretty good balance and don't usually fall (but trip a lot). Today, I woke up kinda late and I needed to take a shower. I just stood in the bathroom and wasted a good three minutes deciding if I should take a really quick one or not. Didn't feel like being dirty today so I took a fast one but I forgot to bring a towel in with me to dry myself off. So I got to the cabinet right out of the bathroom but I hear Tiffany start opening the door (I take her to school every morning and I leave the door slightly open so she doesn't have to ring the door bell and wake everybody in my house up). Crap. I was butt naked. So I grabbed my towel and ran into the bathroom but there was water on the floor. I slipped and fell on my back like what happens in the movies. I scrambled back up, hoping that didn't make too much noise. Hah, my mom came in half-asleep and asked if I was okay. Dang you Tiffany....
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