Dcon + Today

April 3-5, 2009
DCON!! it was SOOOO MUCH FUN. I don't really know why though. Half the time, I was in workshops, where someone was presenting something to me. Half of those, I fell asleep. But the little things really made it fun: bonding with friends, trasnferring passion, seeing how much the world cares, sitting in one corner together discussing things we were restricted to do, complaining and sharing screams, laughing at each other in the hotel rooms, eating together, being hungry together, taking pictures together, cheering together. Maybe because everyone was so TOGETHER. Right now, I've learned to love Key Club for myself honestly. The high's, cheering, and meeting new people. But now, I want to learn to love serving people, serving low-income families, serving seniors, serving our school, serving home, serving the environment, serving anyone/anything who needs help.
I still haven't taken my bracelet off that allowed me to enter and exit the convention center because I want to go back so much. Because I want it to remind me why I'm a Key Clubber.
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BUT TODAY. damn I'm so pissed off.
When I came home, I did whatever I wanted: went on the internet, just laid around, doing nothing. Then after eating dinner (without my parents home) I noticed the dishes are piling up in the sink. I noticed the laundry pile was getting taller. I noticed we have a whole bunch of rice in the refrigerator and freezer like we're storing for winter. I noticed our refigerator is a little emptier than usual. I noticed my parents were coming home later than usual. I noticed my parents are getting more and more sick. I noticed my dad started packing me lunch (so I don't have to buy; i don't think they know I am in Judy's debt). I can't help but get worried. My parents own a private business but they aren't like those lazy private businesses out there that give a mediocre quality for the largest amount of money. My parents actually WORK HARD (not just try) to provide their customers with the best quality they can. They make sure their products are sewn right, look right, etc.
But what do I do? I sit here wasting hours on the internet. I sit here doing whatever I want that doesn't benefit anyone (not even me). What the fcuk am I doing? I don't get the grades my mom can be proud of. I don't have study habits my mom wants me to have. She spends thousands of dollars on tutor that I never study or prepare for. She spends hundreds of dollars on my flute lessons that I never ever practice for. My parents waste gas sending me to school that I hardly try in. And whenever I get the chance, I go spend their money to have fun and use it on myself. Dayum.

NO MORE.

I'm going to do my homework. I'm going to study. I'm going to do all the chores. I'm going to help out my parents whenever I can. I'm going to save money. Then, when things look better, when things get stable, I'll be able to PROUDLY spend the money I earned of course still sparingly. I'm stingy now; by then i'll know what it means to work for your money and be even stingier.

BUT THING IS.
I was going to break down because of this (again, twice in one week, not good). [...] Now I'm just pissed even more.
I'M SORRY. I was really upset and stressed and I ended up blaming you. I'M SORRY. I thought about it more and it is not like that. You tell me everything. I'm sorry for not having something to say all the time. I'm sure I wasn't the only one trying. I'm sorry.

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I've found you. Please find me.
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Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky.
- Hafiz (Perisan poet of the 1300s)
(Sorry Erin, but I like the italicize thing you do so props to you)